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When was the last time you shit your pants?  Some of you might say 4 years old?  Some of the slower ones might say maybe 8 or 9 years old?  For me, the last time I shit my pants was in 8th grade.  Let’s see… so I was umm… 13 years old.  Yes, 13 years old.

I used to work everyday when I was in Junior High.  After school, I’d take the bus for about an hour to get to work, work until about 10PM and then take the bus another hour back home.

On this particular day, I was hungry after work and decided to grab something to eat instead of waiting till I got home.  Mistake #1.  So I called up a few places to see if I could get some food and the only place open was Taco Bell.  Sweeeet!  Mistake #2.  So I woofed down 5 hard tacos, Mistake #3, with extra fire sauce, Mistake #4, and a large Mountain Dew, Mistake #5.

With the number of mistakes I made in those 15 minutes, my ass was thinking “Awwwwww yeah, we’re gonna shit soon!”.  Too bad I didn’t get that memo.

So as soon I get to the bus stop to wait for the bus… rumble rumble.  Uh oh.  So I’m thinking to myself “Should I just go back and shit at work”?  But just then the rumbling went away.  Phew.  As I saw the bus pulling up, rumble rumble rumble again.  A little stronger than the first time.  But as I gingerly walked to the back of the bus and sat down, it went away again.  Phew.

Now you guys all know the situation so you’re familiar with how it works.  That rumbling pain will come and go every few minutes, each time a bit longer and more fierce than the time before.  About 30 minutes into the bus ride, the fiercest and mightiest RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE came along and I couldn’t hold it anymore.  As slowly and discreetly as I could, I tried to leak it out.  Hoping.  JUST HOPING… maybe it’s just a fart.

BRRRRRrrrrreeeeaaaaannnnnnnrrrururur…..rururur….psssssssshhhhhh.

Immediately I knew this was no ordinary fart.  It was either the hairiest fart I’ve ever delt in my life or it was its cousin, shart.  I started to panic.  My face turned bright red and I didn’t know what to do.

For the next few minutes I just sat there like a statue.  Quietly sniffing.  Sniff sniff.  After about 5 minutes, which felt like 5 hours, the smell was still there.  Sniff sniff.  And unlike the smell of fart that dissipates in the air, this smell was getting stronger.  Stronger as if a pile of shit was marinating in my pants. 

Hmm.  I needed a second opinion.  Looking around to make sure nobody was watching me, I slowly stuck my hand down the back of my pants.  I needed visual evidence of whether the climate in my underwear was dry and farty or wet and shitty.  My probe finger came back like it just barely survived Katrina.  Shit.  Literally.

I think I just sat there pretending to look out the window for the rest of the bus ride.  I’d sneak glances at the other people on the bus and I could just tell they all smelled something.  They just didn’t know exactly what it was because it smelled so ungodly.  Of course I scrunched my nose every now and then, and looked around trying to find the “culprit”.  Fortunately for me, they couldn’t figure out which direction it was coming from, either. 

As soon as my stop came, I quickly got up and put my bag behind me to cover my ass.  I’m sure by that time the back of my khakis looked like I was sitting in a bucket of beef stew.  As I started to make the 2 block walk to my apartment, I could feel the mudslide beginning down my right leg.  AHHHH!!!  I started to walk quicker.  Then sort of a jog.  Then busted into a full out sprint back to the apartment.

Then I woke up.  And it was a dream.  Why would I tell you guys a real story about me shitting when I was 13?  It’d be so embarassing!

It was a dream dammit!

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