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I remember back when I was like 10 years old, I still didn’t know about sex.  Of course I had never seen a porno and the most action I’d seen was in a movie where they were having sex (unbeknownst to me at the time) but you could only see them kissing.  So like any innocent little 10 year old, I thought all they were doing was kissing naked.  I didn’t really think much about why they were moaning or sweating.  I just thought maybe kissing was hard work.

So one day my friend Wilbur and I were hanging out.  Yes, his name was really Wilbur and yes, he was fat and no, I’m not sure if he was named after the pig from Charlotte’s Web.  Anyway, Wilbur and I were like best friends back in the days.  He was this fat chinese kid that lived a block away from me in Flushing.  Although we’d fight here and there, we got along pretty well most of the time and hung out alot.

So Wilbur goes to me, “Hey, you know how babies are born?”  At this point I remembered that my mom had a scar on her stomache (I was born through a C-section) so I immediately felt intellectually superior to this chink.

“Of course I know, you dumbass.  They come from the mom’s stomache!”, I said confidently.

Wilbur’s look suddenly turned very serious and he said to me, “NO you stupid.  My mom told me yesterday that the babies come out from the mother’s asshole!!” 

I was shocked.  “Asshole???  Wha.. wha.. what are you talking about?  So like the baby comes out when the mother takes a shit?”

And Wilbur said “Yeah, that’s what my mom told me.  Like when she had me, I fell into the toilet when she took a shit and she had to pull me out and clean me.  That’s how ALL babies are born.”

By this point I was totally shocked.  How could my mother lie to me?!?!  I was also 100% convinced.  Wilbur and I, as well as everyone else that we knew… were born when our mom’s took a shit and pooped us into the toilet. 

I believed that shitty story (no pun intended) for a good six months or so. I think there were even a couple of times I would look into a toilet just to make sure there wasn’t any baby that was left there by accident.  This went on until one day when I talked to my friend, Greg.

Greg’s mom told him about the birds and the bees when he was 6 and watched his first porno when he was 8.  Greg was black so this was no surprise.  Everyone we hung out with knew that Greg knew more than the rest of us.  Back then, he was like the fucking Oracle and I was Neo. 

Anyway, he set me straight and told me like it is.  Had it not been for Greg, I might still be believing Wilbur’s bunk story and checking toilets for babies that someone forgot to fish out after shitting.

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