An open letter to the Mets and their fans…
Dear Mets/Mets fans,
You suck.
You always have.
OK, there was ‘69… And ‘86… We have to give you credit for ‘86…
But definitely not 2000. Boy, did you suck then.
There is a good deal of talk going around about this year’s team, about your pitching staff, and your young players, like Reyez and Wright. God, you guys talk about Wright as if he was the second coming of Derek Jeter. In case you’ve forgotten, Jeter (that’s Mr. Jeter to you) is still and always will be (God willing) a Yankee. Please find someone else’s legacy to co-opt for your own.
I can’t be too critical though. After all, you are our major-league farm team, giving us guys who come through when we needed them most… Like Batman, Doc, Darryl, Leiter and Coney.
Oh Coney, how I remember that warm summer day in July of ‘99…
And of course there are the players that go the other way. Willie, God bless you, I could never speak ill of you and your efforts.
But I digress. I come to you with a matter of great importance. Today is the beginning of a three-day celebration of your glorious 1986 World Series matchup with the Boston Red Sox. Coincidentally, we are hosting your favorite friends from the N.L. East, the Atlanta Braves.
So, in light of the situation, I come to you with what I think is a most equitable agreement. You go three-for-three against Boston, and we will go four-for-four with Atlanta (you can thank Mr. Giambi personally for starting things off last night).
Now I know this is a lot to ask, but it’s not like we won’t be trying to help you out on this end.
To make it easier, I’ll offer some advice.
One, don’t let them protect the plate. Ramirez and Ortiz are the most flagrant offenders in this regard. Manny is going to cry even if you pitch him middle-in (FOR THE SAKE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DO NOT DO THAT!!!) so get used to “Manny being Manny”. As for Ortiz, while he might have sold his soul to the devil, he can be moved off the plate. And if you have to hit him to do so, then hit him. Remember, it’s not your fault that he is a fat bastard.
For a reference on how to pitch Ramirez, Ortiz, and the rest of those dirtbags, see the repteated matchups between Roger Clemens and Mike Piazza, specifically the ones during the 2000 World Series.
Two, pitch Pedro every night for the next three nights. While he might have been a Red Sox at one point, he has redeemed himself by showing that he has the good sense to leave them. In the event that Pedro is not going to pitch for three nights straight, pray.
Three, don’t let the so-called “Green Monster” intimidate you. Even if you can’t get it over the wall, hit it to left. Manny has about a 50% chance of mis-fielding the ball anyways.
Four, INTENTIONALLY WALK DAVID ORTIZ IN THE LATTER INNINGS.
Really, trust me on this one.
No, go back and read it again. Being powered by the devil at the sacrifice of his eternal soul, his batting average in these situations is unholy. I’m sorry, but you just don’t have the tools to deal with this shit. Billy-boy Wagner has proven he sure as hell isn’t Mo (Mr. Rivera to you), and therefore, incapable of stopping him.
Walk him. I don’t care if that drives a run in that ties the game. As long as it doesn’t put them ahead in the late innings, do it.
Your participation in this endeavour is greatly appreciated.
It should be noted that come Friday, it’s back to business as usual.
- An objective Yankee fan
